jul 9 - midnightish

definitely a carrie akre night tonight.

earlier i had dmb funk thumping through my kitchen while i cooked (me!!!! cook!!!) dinner for myself. midway through the evening i felt the distinct desire to hear a strong sexy woman's voice. loud and unyielding. just about the time john arrived to pick up more 'stuff' from the basement and started instead trying to make me 'feel good' by telling me about his now together life and relationship, speaking with all the enthusiasm of a pimply boy brandishing his hard-earned report card.

so, midnight. john's now gone, my face is shriveled and spongey from quiet tears, and carrie akre still sings me company. and i'm dawg tired, man. dawg. tired. but i'm good.

i have closure.

tonight i heard the words i never heard throughout my fifteen year life with this man.

i got it. the words. all of them.

his tearchoked apology for his unconscious disregard for our life together. his reassurance that he was always attracted to me, no matter how many porn magazines and websites he turned to instead. his thankfulness for all of my support and 'counseling' sessions about his past and low self confidence.

and i could see, in his eyes, my beauty and strength. it was unmistakable. and i glowed in it. because, by this time, i've learned to believe in its existence. and seeing it reflected through him. i just sat back and took it in. let my body hum and rock its saffron glow till tears fell down blushskin cheeks.

(well. um. and making sure to wear the sexy outfit didn't hurt either. god love my boobage at times like these. heh.)

and i told him, in a low-throated even voice, how i had interpretted his silence and indifference all those years. how the fact that he never even acknowledged how i looked on our wedding day hurt me to the bone, and validated every painful searing accusation my stepfather ever threw at me.

silence was, and still is, my personal enemy, i told him. if left without words to interpret feelings and actions, or lack of them, i will quickly fill the silence with the old echoes and fears from my past. the old beliefs.

but i'm learning. to hear my own voice. and see my own beauty. in my own eyes. not his. or anyone else's.

(but the best part? i believe it.)

so tonight was a night of rocking acknowledgment. of beauty, apologies, tears, gratitude, healing.

blessed closure.

just watch this whitebird girl fly from here.