01.06.02 8:56 am

well ok. and i don't even know where to start because i've started and stopped so many times this week i don't know whether i'm coming or going.

california went calmingly well considering the feverpitch tensions coming from the stressmonster mother. my wall-building mantra of a force field: 'that's your shit, not mine...' actually worked. we even managed a few hugs. hugging uptight mothers, i've found, gets easier when repeated with face-scrunching regularity.

the xmas eve drag show proved to be satisfyingly festive. no one says happy birthday jesus quite like a chicana queen in a baby doll dress two sizes too small. and a girl couldn't have better companion guides than the dynamic jeffrey/greg duo. fabulous boys, you.

other highlights of the holiday include dinners with old school friends at old beach haunts, laughing outrageously with the soulcousin on christmas day, family family family togetherness with the sister and bro-in-law and of course the mother.

i also got a chance to finally meet my friend jim and spend the day together enjoying the heck out of 'lord of the rings', dinner at the chi-chi grand lux cafe, laughing at the sprockets cordless headset-wearing waitstaff, walking santa monica pier, closing my eyes and listening to the waves rumble over piped in christmas music and cholo accents...

it felt good to be home. who knew.

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so i told myself last month i would start looking for a new job in january.

i've never had a problem working well in any job i've ever had. i pride myself on it, like a 4.0 student.

this past year and a half, i've been holding out for things to improve in this nonprofit go nowhere job, telling myself it's noble and worthy while commuting 50 miles a day, making little money, suffering much stress, battling focus and misrepresented expectations and malaise and you name it. and it shows. my open sores from the weight of this particular self-imposed cross are starting to fester. this is the first job i've ever had where i really feel like i'm losing a losing battle. the offshoot being that i feel like a fuck-up most of the time.

friday morning, i received the motivational push i guess i've been asking for. the menopausal boss told me i was close to being put on probation. this, just after a stellar sparkling review. this, just after a previous meeting not long ago wherein i was told that not only was the job i've been hoping for cut from the budget, my current workload is expected to increase with no hope for any elbow-grease assistance nor monetary compensation, and so, how can we make your job more manageable so you can be more organized and productive, hmmm?

um.... fuck. that.

jobsearch 2002 begins today.

it's interesting that this comes on the heels of my newfound liberation from feeling the weight of the world. it's interesting that this motivational tactic culminates the very moment i announce to the universe that i surrender to whatever happens and am ready for imminent change. and thank the gods this came after my recent aha revelation that no matter what happens in the physical world, i forever have a choice on its impact to my mental/spiritual respite of a world.

and nothing, not even menopausal bosses activating their insurmountable surplus of passive aggressive shitbombs can penetrate my earthquake proof deflector shield of self-love and hope.

and so, simply put, i'm outta there.

happy humdinger of a new year peoples. this oughtta be good...