10.30.03 6:11 pm

pressure has started for me to go to california for christmas.

she's getting an early start this year, with the promise of ticket buying and good airfare deals and i'm supposed to close my eyes and pick some dates to fly down for at least seven days ("can't you stay longer?") to play the role of happy prodigal daughter in the happy family play. and actually, i think my family is happy this year round, what with a crawling laughing one year old to freshen it up a bit. but i am not. so the last thing i want is criticism or speculation - spoken or not, makes no difference to my antennae - on how my life can be better, or myself in it.

sister lost sixty pounds in six months. she is hella bone skinny like she's never been before, with a rolly polly rosebaby on her hip and not a hair out of place.

last night my mother said to me, 'i wish you would have some good news for once.' it was said in a joking way, as always. but it hits home with what we're talking about in therapy these days.

the feeling of failing this life of mine. ever prevalent. oppressively so.

failing on whose terms? mine? or hers?

the need always to win her approval. how it translates to the need to win everyone's approval.

where am i in all of this?

where am i????

i am the spider in the tub.