01.20.04 10:11 am

my sister had a dream that i lost a lot of weight and didn't tell anyone. she went to meet my family for dinner and sat down at the table and didn't recognize me. my hair, my body, everything was different. i was so skinny, she said. and i looked incredible. my hair was straight, not the crazy bedhead curly it is at present. it was still blonde, but with chunks of red highlights and long layers to frame my face.

i was sitting on the other end of the phone last night, listening to this with such mixed feelings. it's a fun fantasy, the thought of being skinny and gorgeous and surprising everyone with all of that. (damnit i just spilled my latte all over my desk! eh, at least i didn't spill it all over me, which would be my usual m.o.)

but. i am on this journey of living now, not in the future. i have to be at peace with me now. i can't hate how i look right now; i don't do well with negative motivation.

she was so excited telling me this, as if she had a prophetic dream. and i slipped and said to her, 'maybe it's just wishful thinking.' which of course was met with total silence.

i know my family wants me to be happy. but happy on their terms. i mean, i want that vision of myself to come true as well. but i have to accept my now. the now me. and find the beauty in that. and be conscious of my every day and not keep getting lost in the hopeful potential of someday while spinning my wheels going nowhere.

and it seems to be working, these baby steps trudging forward. i have lost 27.6 pounds since october. and i gain a little here and there. but i lose it again. and the difference this time around is that i don't get afraid by the gain. i accept it and move on. this is just life, goddamnit.

the fear factor comes courtesy of my mother. in the dream, karen said my mother was beside herself with excitement. just brimming over with it. the need to please and appease her, i've found out through therapy, looms so large in my own life. even with 1300 miles between us.

time to cut the cord.

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so. the funny thing about living completely alone after all this time is that there is no place to hide from me.

when i thought about living alone, i had a concern that i would just hide out, cocoon away from everything. but so far, the contrary is happening. there is no distraction of roommates and other people's chaos to diffuse my own. and so i see it all more clearly. and with this clarity comes the desire to get my shit together.

just my mess.

just my bills.

just my noise.

just my peace.

a girl could get used to this.

i can't believe it's taken this long to get here.

big fucking sigh.