02.09.04 11:45 pm

it has felt for the longest forever time that my life is one giant list of to do's, should do's, have to's, have nots, wish fors, hope nots.

i feel this in the pit of my being, the muscle saw against the pushpull sway and i continue to gasp for air.

anxiety is a bitch.

i hide it, or try to, but it is there. always. the prickle stone i trip against whenever i search for a resting place. i come instead to settle on the prickle and arange my bones around it in the familiar worn places, half sigh, half gasp. feel the heart beat quicken and slow the limping tango of my now.

will there ever be a breath of a moment that i own in every miniscule measure of space, filled to bursting with just. me. oozing every corner and crevice, squeezing away the jagged apologies, guilt, shame.

i want to sit in hot sand against the sun rock and close my eyes to the brightness and hush of ocean, tucked away from the wind in a fissure of hot stillness. that day on the beach back in march. i grabbed that moment just before my family called me to go and i've wished it back ever since.

it is chill to the bone cold in my bedroom. these tall bare walls cry for cover of some kind. it is on my today list. to do list. heh. some typos just cant be that coincidental. my forever today list to be done tomorrow amen hallelujah blessed be eternity let's eat some cake.

ah, warmth. tis the season to crave it.

the sun glared off the water today, chilling the afternoon in its starkness while i stood waiting for the light to change. no blanket of cloud or leaves to warm us yet. just a little longer to go; i spied the first buds of tulips and daffodils peaking through the soil. gonna warm this place up soon. hot dog, as frances would say.

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phone calls and emails every so often from ron about jennifer the twelve year old. she's been in counseling for some short time, too soon to tell if it's helping. they are working on diagnosing her with aspergers syndrome. which makes a little sense to me and breaks my heart at the same time. i've had her here for one weekend so far, and we shared much girlie goodness of movies, dinner, shopping, ice cream. teen mags in the living room in front of brutus the furnace, big pillows and blankets and 'ever after' in the vcr. she exhausts me and tickles me and challenges me constantly, we are aligned in inexplicable ways. i know it's time for another round soon. we're, all of us, a bit tired, i think.

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squaring off with alphonse these days over his witching hours that just happen to come upon him during my deepest sleeps. his adjusting to being a mostly indoor kitty has inspired renewed and energetic caterwauling (if ever a word were created for such a being...) at all hours of the night. tactics of spray bottles and hair pulling have met with snide gloats from herr feline. so for now i choose to shut my bedroom door on him. to shut it proactively, just as i go to bed, would cut off my heat supply all night long. brutus the furnace is it, brother. and he lives in the living room. so i keep my door open until alphonse inadvertantly beckons me mid sleep to close it.

brutus, alphonse, and hulaluna. ah the tangled love triangles we weave.

don't even get me started on beatrice the waterheater.