04.26.04 8:51 am

hello monday morning.

hoodaddy what a beautiful weekend. anyone who knows seattle knows that there is *no* better place to be on this earth when the sun shines his bodacious self on these green parts. especially in springtime*.

(*footnote: every time i see or read or type the word springtime, i instantly hear 'springtime for hitler' from 'the producers' and i want to giggle.)

there are so many things i want to write in here and never make the time to write it. they keep slipping through my fingers into vague forgotten. i hate when i do that.

thursday night with M the poet. we've been pal-ing around these days. nightly sprees most likely contain readings of some sort, dark bars of many sorts, writers of every ilk and fabric diving into conversation and strangers just met to see what we can see, the evening ending usually in a drunken passout sleep in his bed, to wake up the next morning drive back to my place, hasty work ready, alphonse reprimand, buscatch, slump in a seatstare out the window looking for sun on waterwish for coffeeorsleeporboth get through the daystare at the monitor.

thursday with m at a pub after a reading too crowded to enter and so we pass the pitcher or two of time waiting for his friend the reader. what i did not know is that a boy i've talked to for years but never met was at the reading & pub and spied me. says he watched me the whole time while with his friends but didn't approach because he thought i could be on a date. the thought of secretly being watched and admired by an intelligent handsome man... well it's a heady feeling. i assume i go unnoticed. assume it's safer to think this way. invisible me not so invisible these days. the thought is bubbly.

saturday clubnight and hotel down south and a 24 hour pool/hot tub. public pools and i have never been a comfortable match. bathing suits in public... what a horrible idea. but in the 'get over it' chapter of my life, another brick removed from hula's shelter wall and damn i love being in water. having friends around is a better shield against embarrassment, a step toward acceptance.

memories of junior high pool parties hunkered under a towel in the far chair watching bikini girls on boys shoulders giggle splash and i could not show my bigness, opting for small invisible and getting it. craving always the water. this weekend i got my gigglesplash piggy back play with the boy and friends. and the water... mmmmm to float and dive and swim and play... and the water felt the same, even after bikini girls entered the scene. she is not me. i am not her. i am me.

and to float with a boy in a pool... feel his arms carry you rivers over skin and deep bliss sigh letting go.

every girl should get to feel that.

every girl.

every me.

ever me.