07.20.04 11:33 am

it's been stickydew hot the last few days in seattle. everything and everyone is sluggish. eyes are half-lidded, drivers meander over the lines, skin is damp, makeup slides, work crawls through the day.

i am recovering from a cold i developed from spending a week in a vegas casino. cheap vacation, poolside everyday, pina coladas, malibu rum, mango bacardi in plastic sippers. spf 30 in a spray bottle and i still got burnt. i also managed to gain ten pounds from cheap carb buffets, perhaps contributing to my sluggishness these days.

i have been dating someone for about 3 months. A is in love with me, i am not in love with him. he's in a hard place right now and i am his foundation. but i know in my heart i can't do this forever. i've been away from the things my heart wants to do, settling for the security of his so strong arms and endless affection. he's been good for me in many ways, and it's been tempting to give in to it.

maybe i'm waiting for his life to fall into place more steadily before i let go the tether. how pompous of me. no one deserves an ambiguous relationship. i of all people know that.

to break it off breaks my heart.

i want to come back to me. settle into my place, as i was just starting to do when he came along. of course.

and then...

in vegas i met someone i can't stop thinking about. i know he's just a symbol, that it's preposterous to think anything would happen between us. but there was enough of a jolt to wake me. someone like this boy would be my happy fit. and to know that he exists is too much to bear while spending my time with A.

welcome to my so-called life.

damn it all to hell.