08.25.04 11:51 am

random brain dump on this drizzly mind mucky umbrella august day:

sister is preggers with the second kidlet, due the beginning of march. still trying to fathom that one. she's become this uber wonderwoman dynamo, juggling a huge promotion at the hospital, a pregnancy, a 20 month old baby and a man-child husband. not to mention the fact that she lives only a few blocks down from our mother, and all the little up close and personal passive agressities that go with that. cheers to you, sistermine. just thinking about your everyday sucks the energy right from my brainstem.

i, on the other hand, am adjusting more and more to the ever-growing reality of a childless existence. it's sort of this yawning gnaw that's opening wider in the back of my head, making its way forward.

which really then leads right into the worn and ragged search for meaning in this little life o mine. if i am not meant to raise a child of my own, a consumption that would no doubt fill the greater portion of my adult existence, what then am i supposed to be doing? what purpose?

i can add up all the little things, i suppose. the in's and out's of daily exchanges, the weaving of my social and familial fabric, the lives i've touched and those that touch mine. we, all of us, influence each other in so many unforeseen ways.

but is this enough?

so back to the good old hand-wringing journey climb of the follow-your-bliss quest, to sing the soul, to belt that sucker from the proverbial mountain top: this is who i am and let me share it with you because this is who we all are!

and how am i doing on that?

eh. avoiding as usual. playing the comparison game as usual. and always falling short. as usual.

i think i need a pair of custom-made goggles, designed to keep my eyes perpetually open while providing blinders of a sort to keep me focused to the task at hand.

and i need to get back on that forgiveness program.

forgive me, river, for sinking under your waters. help me stay afloat along this journey to your cool deep stretch of boundless ocean.

oh, to dive into the swallow of just being.