12.01.04 12:15 pm

in other news, i guess i'm moving.

not sure where i'm moving to yet. but i think the change will be good.

i'm sick of my midnight vacuumming neighbor.

i'm sick of his choice of music he chooses to share with anyone within a mile radius of his beaten speakers.

i'm sick of his sneezes that rock the house.

i'm sick of the two month leak in my bathroom/kitchen wall that's ruined a rug and two towels due, i just found out, to the fact that upstairs dude showers without a shower curtain and just lets the water flood the wall and floor.

i'm sick of brutus the furnace sucking up so much space in the living room that you have to walk around and over furniture to get to the kitchen.

i'm sick of the vacuous room of a bedroom with thin brown carpet that feels so cold without a brutus to warm it, its only padding the boxes of junk i'm still trying to sort through.

i planned to spin some magic in that room to warm it up. i planned to add fabric and warm rugs and lighting to make it a relaxing refuge, a home.

i had plans, that is, until i received a notice on my door that this hundred year old house had been sold to a new owner.

according to the letter, nothing is amiss, just a new place to send a rental check. which is why i googled the new owner. to find out that i am sending my rental check to 'seattle's premiere townhome builder'.

so yeah. writing's on the wall. they haven't said anything at all about their plans to tear the house down, but i don't think i want to wait.

so the search begins. i'm not going to find anything as cheap again, at least in the city of seattle, so i'm trying to buckle up to a bigger rent check. or not living in the city.

i'm sick of being poor.

i'm sick of being thirtysomething and poor.

i think, along with the new digs, i might need to search for a new paycheck as well.

sigh.

i crave normal. settled. peace.

whatever that is. i crave it.

i still have this idyllic picture in my mind of how my life is supposed to be. i wish i could see the details more clearly.

i wish i wasn't battling depression again, but i am.

i wish i was brave enough to live the life i'm supposed to live.

i wish i could close my eyes and make it all go away.

i wish i could stop wishing to close my eyes and make it all go away.

this feels sort of good. i should come back.