12.09.04 5:58 pm

eh, not sure how great it is to be me these days.

i've been listening to sappy christmas radio trying to buck up and infuse the wonder that is the holiday season.

it might, however, be having the opposite effect. the last set i heard included john tesh, gloria estefan and the carpenters. all in one sitting.

that alone is enough to make the baby jesus cry.

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so it's black and pouring outside; traffic is icky and i drove in today, with the intent of spending the night at albert's, despite the fact that i can't really afford the parking garage.

it's in reaction to yesterday. i'm justifying.

yesterday morning i took the bus with my least favorite bus driver. he never responds to my good mornings, never smiles; i've only heard him bark at people, if at all. he is one of those drivers who jams at high speeds then slams on the brake for every stop, leaving passengers to slide around, holding on for life, sometimes falling off the damn seat. and i'm convinced he guns the gas pedal especially hard before i have a chance to sit down, moreso the days i have coffee in hand. which, of course, was yesterday. but whatever. that's just par for the course.

then, last night there was an accident on the bridge that blocked both directions for several hours. with the distance and cost of taxi's being what they are, i was literally stranded at work.

it was one of the those times when you're forced to run down the list of those who do and those who don't qualify as people you feel close enough to to call for help on a gross and chilly night.

and i realized that i don't have very many inner circle peeps right now. my dears are scattered everywhere, none very close to me.

thankfully albert swooped up and saved the day: driving 30 miles after a long day of work, buying me dinner, watching 'lost' and 'ghost hunters' instead of his usual sports show stuff, and then staying the night even though it requires him to wake up an extra hour earlier to make work on time. this is the fabulousness that is albert. he spoils me in all the comfort ways.

and so i'm driving in to stay at his place. to avoid the bus, avoid my apartment, avoid it all and just cuddle in his big arms in his big bed.

for the last six months, it's been pretty much albert for most everything.

and the killer is that i'm still not convinced it's the best way to go. for either of us. but we're in the grind of it all. and i can't put my finger on what my problem is really. so i ignore it and just go on. for now. however long 'now' is.

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soooooooooooooo to recap: job, home, love-life, direction, purpose in life... all in one giant conversion of a flux at the moment.

hmmm. mid-life crisis much? i really need to shake this feeling of being a has-been failure at almost 37 years of age. gah.

but at least i've made the decision NOT to go to california for christmas this year. just not feelin like subjecting myself to the mother microscope on her turf given the current state of mind.

and THAT, my friends, is my christmas present to me.

ho. ho. ho.