01.07.05 6:35 pm

i'm not sure what it is.

mid-life crisis.

whatever.

i'm thinking more and more about possibly moving back to california to be closer to my niece and nephew-to-be.

i can't even believe i'm considering it.

but here i am. browsing through apartment and want-ads for so cal. half of me weighing the possibility with incredulousnous and some excitement, the other half of me battling the bitter smog-infested taste in my mouth.

i am at such a cross-roads. my family is tiny. just my sister, mom and i. i'm 37, divorced, scraping by at $30k/year, and it's becoming more and more clear that i will not have children of my own. this is and will continue to be my only family. my friends are scattered far and wide. the sense of community and support i used to feel up here has been slowly eroding with each move of a loved one.

but. seattle is my home in so many ways. so cal is my familiar land, but i always felt a stranger in it. a visitor. seattle is my heart. and i do still have family here.

i have albert. but i have mixed feelings about albert. we spend so much time together, but he does not feel like a soul-mate. he feels and is a very comfortable and supportive companion. which is everything to me and i am so thankful for him. but is it enough? i have no idea. the idealistic romantic in me says no. but then i'm a flakey artsy fartsy dirty hippie chick. what do i know. he is everything that i am not. that's not necessarily a bad thing. but more importantly, is it enough for him? shouldn't he deserve more of me than this?

i have soul-sister(in-law) loretta. but in the past year i've seen her maybe two times. our schedules clash often, and i just haven't been to the surface all that often this past year. seeing her always brings me right back to myself.

i still have the old hulamoons commune kids, but all at a greater distance than before (well anything would be, since we used to be next-door neighbors). but on top of the distance, there is a turmoil that has been brewing with the kim/pat contingent; their marriage is rocky at best. kathi/gerard are consumed with sophie and phelan and the house etc. anne is living with her lawyer boyfriend on the eastside. kim moved to santa monica to be with her actor boyfriend. hank and carrie are living on land in vashon island with goats and dogs and kidlets.

in other words, everyone is getting on with their life the best way they know how.

and here i am.

i've always had this fear inside me, this doubt that i will move forward. in kindergarten i was convinced that i would not be able to learn how to read. in grade school i was certain that i would never make it into college. i have had this continual fear that i would never 'make it' as an adult.

the irony that i was forced to grow up lightning quick is not lost on me. and maybe it's because of that fact that i have always felt off-kilter. imbalanced.

that vulnerable scared little girl can still be so close to the surface. i tap her in an instant. that familiar vulnerability collides and scrapes against the other part of me, the rock-solid river force that stands with certainty, eyes open.

i couldn't be more split on so many things.

i honestly have no idea what i'm doing.

i have no idea what to do.

oh holy hell and happy new year. i just. i just for this once at the very least would like to not live out this year in paralyzing conflict and mudthick depression.

i want to knit together all the parts of wandering me to form a whole unquestionable me.

no apologies. no hesitation. no turmoil.

just movement.

just ME.

and i want for that to be enough.

is that possible?

__________________________________

for now, on the other side of all this bigness, i am trying to focus on the little things. i divided old clothes into piles of donation/trash/keep/repair. i am organizing one box at a time.

so. in the moment. this moment. alone in my office, this old heavy building empty but for a few lawyers on the seventh floor, the night-watchman sitting alone in the atrium listening to classic rock as he does every night.

kings of convenience mellow bounce acoustic against these walls, yellow-lit from my desk lamp. freezing air outside, the promised snow pushed back to light flurries at midnight. i am wearing friday jeans and comfy grey sweater, clogs with thick socks, hair tangled too long and pulled back in a hair band, glasses sliding off my nose. nutrition of cold-eeze tablets, dayquil and sparkling water. crackers and cheese. paperwork sitting around me but i think i am done for the day.

i have missed the last two buses writing this.

i am going home to the cat.