10.22.05 8:48 am

drowsy-eyed barefooted on cold hardwood and it's a bright chill october morning.

the mother was here for a few days. she's a stressmonster of giant proportions right now, so i'm happy to say i've survived. we ended her last evening with a big dinner on the water, a bottle of pinot noir and open discussion about her worries of my unsettled life. in many many words i communicated to her my perspective of this, and why i agree with her that it is unsettled, but how adding a man to the mix does not fix anything. she of all people should by god know that.

in a nutshell, i attribute my unsettled almost forty-year old life to this particular timeline: my first 17 years dealing with her men and the heavy hell they dealt; the next 14 years hiding with john and trying to make a relationship work with someone who immersed himself completely in either music, art or thoughts of suicide; the last 6 years coming to grips with a failed marriage, therapy for ptsd, dating men and more men for the first time, partying, battling depression and low self esteem and the impulse to hide myself away from everyone and everything, including myself.

slowly i'm emerging.

when you live your life thinking you'll never survive past 40, you don't really make long-term goals for yourself. you live each day and deal with the immediate while trying to forget the past. there is no big picture approach.

i am reaching the top of the mountain and looking out with deep breath across the expanse of this life. the journey ahead is long and full and wide open with possibility. my feet are steady and warm on this earth and ready for walkin.

and my hair is now the color of autumn.