08.28.06 11:50 pm

monday august night and it has the taste of september in it.

midnight gasps infrequently through closed blinds, cooling the hardwood hot from summer... barefoot, keys tapping, listening to the distant train whistle, ship horn from the sound, alphonse lapping water in the kitchen...

calm exterior me. always. claro.

sitting. listening. waiting.

waiting for something to magically click inside me. kick my ass. flip the switch. grant me immunity. bless me ultima. shuffle off this fucking mortal coil.

needless to say, the struggle to maintain solid ground continues.

to love someone who loves you but not with his whole heart. to feel his eyes crave women who pass by... smaller than you, more beautiful than you, perfectly poised against graceless you. to know deep down that you have coupled with a tiger, that this cannot last because you sense his pacing and yet you wake every day thinking first of him, answer eagerly his every call, meet his every wish, rise to his every touch, sooth his every ache. ache for his every ache. ache for him to need you breathe you swallow you until you are no more.

i have said goodbye so many times. silently always. empty bed. damp sheets. woe is sad sap me.

to leave, you put one foot in front of the other.

writing is a teetering first step.