10.31.06 10:48 pm

boo day and i worked late again. no pumpkin, no candy, no witch's shoes.

freezing temperatures are forcing the early winter wear... tights under wool pants, winter coat, scarf and gloves. walking downtown in 30 degrees as the wind blows your face.. that is why there is coffee on every corner here.

this is my favorite holiday and i can't remember the last time i actually celebrated it. or when my friends celebrated it.

j and g stayed home tonight, put up blankets over the windows, rented movies and muzzled the dogs to hide from the kid invasion.

m raced through the day to finish her baby's cow costume, paint her vampire daughter's nails black & darken her eyes with makeup, drop her son off at value village to find a cheap last minute mask, and collapse finally at home to snatch some of the baby cow's candy before passing out before nine.

ph stayed home to watch videos, play halo and get over a bad cold.

i worked late into the evening and walked to the freezing bus stop, passing the occasional ghoul and hooker doing the bar hop thing. arrived home only to notice that the jr high crowd was still prowling the neighborhood. mad dash to the store for candy and back home, barely getting in before they landed on my porch, bags open and expectant, and in my haste to open the bag of candy i burst the bag all over the floor. of course.

i'm rambling to write. because i've been feeling the need to write but can think of nothing to write about. or am avoiding the stuff to write about because it's what i do best.

the ex is getting re-married this weekend. he tells me i'm still one of his closest friends, but i never received an invitation. which i can understand. she is taking his last name. my last name for the last ten years now. i never changed it with the divorce because i had no other name to take. the names of my father and stepfather are not an option. i am thinking of dropping the last name altogether and just keeping my first and middle. just me.

ph has been distant with me the last month or so while he tries to establish amicable closure with his ex. i am lonely and in limbo by my own doing.

two months to go to year-end and so much to do before then both at home and at work it is overwhelming.

i bought a new car which i love and muchly needed. it was daunting and big for a single nonprofit girl to go through but long overdue and i think(hope) well worth it. yay me. for once.

i will be 39 in december.

i am feeling beyond old and have been in a dark dark place while i try to come up with reasons why i should be on this planet. i dont think i'm justifying my existence too terribly much lately.

i love and am loved. here and there. even if it feels very far away.

is it enough?