12.14.06 2:13 pm

hell has apparently descended on the northwest.

today i did not even bother to bring an umbrella despite the fact that rain is dumping on seattle in ginormous buckets right now.

unfortunately, there is little point in hovering under the shelter of an umbrella when you are battling gail force winds. this season i lost count of how many times i've seen umbrellas go belly up in these storms we've been having this year.

and tonight's storm is supposed to out-do them all. to the point that seattle is being told to break out the emergency gear.

so i guess while attempting to get home tonight, not only will my hair get completely drenched, but it will also get whipped in every gusty direction.

so so pretty.

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on the personal front... meh.

i am still surviving. and hurting like hell while doing it. and crying every night. shaky stomach. nausea. puffy morning eyes. and feeling miserably alone and pointless.

so so pretty.

so this is what the songs are about. wow, life sucks. craving my coma.

he and i are attempting the friends route. i know. banal and stupid. but i don't think we can let go completely. i don't think i can. not yet.

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i lost thirty pounds this year. the equivalent to 2.5 pounds a month.

it's not drastic. no one would notice. but i'm holding on to it.

because it's one of the few things i have going for me right now.

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ok. so maybe i have other things going for me right now.

maybe i should gather them all together and weave them into a sturdy towrope to tie around me while i navigate these emotional hurricane waters.

so. despite the fact that i'm a divorced single childless financially indebted almost-39 year-old diabetic fat girl who lives with her terrorist cat in a tiny two-room apartment funded by a tiny bank account fed by a dead-end job...

where was i going with this? oh right. the positive stuff. hmmm.

well, since i'm on such a negative rant, maybe i should start the positive list with the negative stuff. as in, "i do not..."

i do not...

...have cancer

...live in texas

...have to depend on a wheelchair or an oxygen tank to live through each day.

...have to beg for money or food or clothing or shelter or anything else, for that matter

...live in iraq

...live in fear of abuse anymore

...have to deal with horrible ex-husbands or fight ugly child support battles

...have a goiter

...live in prison

...have to clean other people's poo

whew. ok. feeling pretty positive already. so. on to the positive positives!

i do...

...have a loving funny twisted dysfunctional crazy family who cares about me and i them

...have loving funny twisted dysfunctional crazy creative friends scattered near and far in my life who care about me and i them

...have a brain

...have a brand new zippy little car named clementine

...have a job that pays me just enough to afford monthly payments for a brand new zippy little car named clementine.

...have finger puppet monsters on my desk, next to beautiful flowers delivered today from a lovely friend for an early birthday surprise

...live in a beautiful, albeit overly drenched part of the ever-quickly-deteriorating earth (positive only damnit!!!!)

...continue to carry hope inside me despite the ever-quickly-deteriorating earth (come on gore!!!)

...have an ever helpful and undaunted sense of humor

...have desire

...have a job that is lenient and sometimes relaxed enough to allow me to type all of this during the work day (shhhhhhhh)

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eh. it's a start. it's something.

it's enough. for now.

and with that, dear diary... let the winds of fate blow.

i guess i am holding on.