12.18.06 1:53 am

the weathermen had pinpointed down to the hour when the winds would start to hit seattle, and for once they were dead on.

around nine or so, the lights flickered, the windchimes changed their tune to a portentous clang, and the cable decided to cut and run for the hills.

just before midnight, i heard the first deep thunderous howl while i washed dishes in quivering light. listening to 'coast to coast' on my dusty transistor radio, i watched the neighbors' christmas lights toss in the air like rodeo clowns thrown by an angry bull.

i decided not to wait for the electricity to cut off abruptly and without warning. i walked through my apartment, turning off all the lights, shutting down the computer, the television. for some reason i felt strongly about that. if it was going away, i wanted it to be on my terms.

in the dark, i pulled open the blinds in every window, placed the radio, flashlight and cell phone on the nightstand, and climbed into bed. drawing the comforter around me, alphonse curled into the crook of my legs, i settled in to watch the torrent crash past my window view. i had the need to see it, not just cower to the horrendous sound of it bashing behind closed blinds.

and that is how i fell asleep: dim yellow glow from the streetlamp lighting the scene of trees and bushes rhythmically pummelled by invisible hurricane waves. eyes closing slowly, i heard the waves rising and washing over me, the creaking groan of my little wood house a bending ship in the storm. the shudder and shake rocked me out to sea and i was alone, adrift, and completely at the mercy of this angry force. we all were.

and the knowledge that all of us were experiencing this together, one as helpless as the other, soothed me.

to know that even in my lonely smallness, i am not alone.

and yet.

today I am 39.

i am alone, adrift and completely at the mercy of this angry force inside me that wants to strike out. pummel me from the inside out. gnash my skin apart and expose the dim beating hiding within. HERE you are. you cannot cower any longer in smallness. you can no longer ignore the crash and roar washing over you. hear the creak and split of your weak façade.

the storm is upon you, silly girl, and it is time.
bash open the windows.
scream to the wind.
ride every crest and fall with saltwater hair
rage untethered until every fiber within you is spent
until every smile has faded
every tear has fallen
every shudder has stilled
every love has died
and you find yourself emptied upon warm sand
your face turned to the sun.