01.05.07 5:12 pm

have i mentioned that i am an idiot?

i've known this. and yet, the fathomless capacity for my idiocy continues to astound me.

i have lent him money over the course of the last couple of months to help him with moving costs. money, i need not add, that i do not have.

and of course. of course. the first thing that he does when he comes into some money is buy a plane ticket to florida to see some cotton candy girl.

i am embarrassed to even write about this except that i need a place to dump. and to remember. and to document the ever-mounting evidence of my astounding stupidity.

i just, at the moment, feel like ripping my eyes out of my sockets.

for starters.

and i know i desperately need my own life. to not give everything over to support his. i need to pursue my own shit. and i'm trying. i just cannot fucking stand this feeling. to wallow in the quicksand of it all. it is killing me. and i'm not climbing out of it like i want to. i'm going through the motions. and each day brings with it a fresh new wound that pulls me down under all over again.

and i'm tired of being so dour. i want to be positive and upbeat. you wouldnt know it, to read this thing.

its just that it's the same old song, different year:
i want to be satisfied with my life
feel like i have something going
a direction
something to feel good about
and i feel none of those things

and now, sitting here on a friday evening, still at work, buried in it... i'm getting ready to leave and go home to a cold dark empty apartment. to be alone with myself. again. with a weekend stretched before me that has nothing in it but work and laundry and being alone with myself.

and that thought, that situation, has started to terrify me.

jesus. where the hell did i go wrong?

and how the hell do i get out of this crazytown?