02.01.07 10:26 am

i've managed to fuck myself over with this whole thing more than i could even imagine possible. never in my life have i felt this much pain and hurt and stupidity. i have no one to blame but myself. im smarter than this.

there is something very wrong with me that i continue to listen to his words with my whole heart when my brain knows better.

he's in florida. he's in love with her. he's found happiness beyond anything he could have ever dreamed of. oh and he treasures my friendship more than i'll ever know.

two days before this grand announcement he took both my hands in his, looked me in the eyes, told me he loved me so much, told me to hold on.

and like a fucking idiot, i fell for it. wholly and completely.

what does a girl do when she's given every fiber of her being to someone who trashes it so carelessly until she has nothing left?

i have nothing in my life.

i've never been lonelier.

i really couldn't have given myself over to more of a fucked up black hole of a needy person if i had tried. maybe i did try. i'm starting to think i'm just programmed that way.

i want this last year of my life back. i want my heart back. i want hope back. i want a reason to fucking live back.

i have no fucking clue how to stop this hurt.

im so tired of this phase of my life.