07.15.07 12:00 am

i am in a mental coma.

no, a coma i think would be blissful sweet blackness. on the contrary, my mind doesn't seem able to stop itself. it just keeps spinning and spinning and spinning some more. desperate circles. desperate to find a way out, a way back, a way away from my mind.

in less than six months i turn forty.

f o r t y.

40!!!

what fresh fucking hell is this. all of my years of bitching in here about just this very thing... growing old, living senselessly, without purpose, tired of spinning wheels, making circles, never living, always running... all of it comes down to this.

could i be anymore dramatic about it?

but that's what it feels like. on soooo many levels it feels like my life thus far has been completely worthless. it makes no sense. i make no sense. and i'm getting old fast.

i am still waiting to start living. i am still waiting to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i am still waiting to find a partner to share in the journey. i am still waiting to start my journey.

work sucks.
lovelife is nonexistent.
money is scarce.
i'm not writing.
i'm not playing music.
i'm not creating. anything.
what AM i doing?

well... today was decent. i went out with my old friend, tom, and saw harry potter (loved it!). had yummy thai food. did ballard. weather was perfect. warm, with clouds to cut the seattle blinding bright, a lazy breeze that blew skirts and long hair in slow motion. today was a good day. and look, i'm even writing! something. at least.

but back to my foreverangst...

what are my goals? long term, short term, any term. anything at all besides this cycle setting. and so with that, from out of my brain and into the universe i release 'the shit':

1)career/direction: choices du jour, in no particular order: massage school, grad school (psychology/therapist or education or ?), database training/certification. these are all on spin cycle right now. and i have no money to dive into any of them (of course).

2)lovelife: fahgedaboudit. i am completely recovered from the disastrous p affair, and have dated here and there since then. but nothing much is happening, and really for now, considering my state of mixed-up-ness, i think that's all for the best. i need to hunker down and deal with ms hulaluna.

3)current job: i am about done with it. love the agency, love what they're doing, don't see a fit for me there anymore. i'm tired of feeling anxiety over the smallest shit and going nowhere fast for the last seven years. they have appreciated me in some ways, as i have them, but i think it's time for something new. something with more room for growth. i can't seem to find that there. so i've started hunting around. initial early stages. i want to finish a project i've started there first, which may take a few months. but if something jumps out at me, i'll bite.

4)creativity: nonexistent. i have had little to no motivation to go here. i have a distant desire, and know in some way it would serve to reconnect me... but i'm not sure how to make those two ends meet. i guess that's why i'm finally here.

5)spirituality: see #4

6)health/weight: ok. not great. last year i lost 30-40 pounds and 2 dress sizes, and my recent blood tests were all normal on blood sugar levels (yay). but i am not out of the woods on the pre-diabetes thing yet, and i still have major poundage to lose. i am trying to think about sometime soon maybe perhaps possibly at some point committing to a regular consistent exercise routine of some sort. how's that for go-gettedness and fortitude! i am attempting (not at all regularly so far) to swim laps after work with my friend tom, who has been doing it for a couple years now, with great success. i am also considering gyms again, with which i have had very little success up until now. and walking is always a good thing. trying to throw that in as well. obviously, this area needs a bit of work. which differs not at all from all of the other areas. sigh.

7)social life: eh. i see my seattle people here and there. i love my friends and family and don't see them nearly enough, both up here and especially down in cali. and i'm dying to see my niece and nephew who are now 4 and 2. i look at their pictures everyday. and everyday i feel like i'm missing out on their life. the knowledge that these are the only kids i'll probably have in my life is not lost on me. which brings me to...

8)to move or not to move: there are many things i hate about living in so cal. but my family is there. my best and deepest friends are still there. it really feels like a tug-of-war between a living environment and a loving environment. to pursue one, i lose the other. this is a major spin cycle for me.

and on that note... i think i'll give it a rest. at least for tonight. i'm sick of my own mind. i really am.