07.26.08 4:08 pm

current snapshot:

i am by myself
boiling tortellini
while watching jane eyre
and feeding my cat
and crawling the walls
being alone with myself
ideas of pointless spinsterhood
bouncing round my brain

this picture is everchanging from day to day, swaying from empowerment and the relief of fresh starts to depression and pain and everything in between.

but on the second day of no plans and little social interaction to keep me from myself, the heavy frustrating running in place going nowhere mood is the consequence.

why can't i stand to be alone with myself? why do i feel the everpresent need to stay busy? what do i keep running from?

this time i want to do it right. no more running, no more boys, no more going just to go. the consequences of practicing this pattern are always stupidly disastrous and i'm so tired of it.

time for a change of scenery.

starting from the inside this time.

starting with me.

now i just need a gameplan. where does one get one of those i wonder....